Desk Jobs
by TheNewIdea
Summary: In which bureaucracy gets explained, deconstructed and reconstructed, dogs play the stereotypical "loyal pet" role, evil scientists who dress like pharmacists turn out to be more than they appear to be and platypuses remain an enigma. Rated T for language, exaggerated depictions of bureaucracies, parodies of Phineas and Ferb fanfiction, alcohol/sexual/drug references, dark humor.
1. Chapter 1

The OWCA was a cubicle farm, in short 95% of the building was made of separate office spaces compromised of three walls that connected to the backs of other walls of other office spaces that came to be known as cubicles. Floor after floor was bland, grey and computer noise. The secret lairs, the fast traveling tube transportation systems and the big conference rooms that looked like the Bat-Cave were all underground and miles away from the main building, which recently had to undergo some major renovations, most notably, seven floors of cubicle farms.

Sitting at his desk trying not to think, Perry the Platypus was busy doing the main portion of his job. For five hours every day, Noon to 5, Perry was, for better or worse, a bureaucrat, a self functioning, rule following member of the often criticized and shunned system known as a bureaucracy in which other bureaucrats, in this case agents of the OWCA, worked to breathe and breathed to work. More specifically, Perry was a number cruncher, his job had three main functions- manage the agency's funds, monitor the agent's earnings including but not limited to pay, hours, vacation time and finally, Monogram's personal secretary when the need arose, which unfortunately was often.

As he entered in numbers and made otherwise meaningless calculations, Perry noticed that the air around the office was different. Peering out from the walls of safety, Perry looked up and down the aisle, it was empty, everyone within the walls of their personal cubicle where it was safe, humble and private. Ironically, this was part of the job that Perry actually enjoyed. In addition to the low risk factor Perry found that in an office setting, he was more inclined, at least in theory, to be open and friendly with colleagues than he was out in the field. The platypus attributed this to the high stress level that field work often caused, in turn causing him to be short, sarcastic and a jackass to those were not accustomed or were haphazardly careless.

Moving back to his desk, Perry stared at the blue computer screen, the blinking cursor taunting him, telling him to continue despite himself. He then looked to his right where his best friend and close confidant, Pinky the Chihuahua, was casually drinking coffee as if he had nothing better to do. Perry personally thought it was hilarious that Pinky was drinking coffee when he obviously had a shaking problem. He wondered if the dog cut down on his caffeine intake, if the shaking would stop. Perry kept these thoughts to himself, remembering Monogram's rule on conversation about lives outside the workplace and simply returned to his work.

At that moment the bell at the head of the room went off, signifying the daily lunch break. The agents simultaneously stood up, turned towards the front of their respective aisles and marched in step for a total of five seconds before moving in unison to the cafeteria. This military style of movement was unorthodox and completely insane in the minds of most, but to Perry, who had experienced this every day, it was normal.

The cafeteria was standard in design, located on the top floor of the building and taking up all available space, the room was a large rectangle. On the right side of the room, the side closest to the doors, was the buffet style line that is common in the standard American public school system with the various food groups, minus the fats and oils, represented- meat being first and grains at the end. The rest of the room was taken up with tables and chairs scattered about in random order. Surrounding the perimeter of the cafeteria, with obvious space for the food line and the door, were several booths.

Taking one of the smaller two person tables, Perry sat down with full intention of eating alone like he always did, for the platypus did not have much in the way of friends at the agency and was in all respects, an isolate, non social being. In other words, the extreme introvert. Almost as soon as he sat down, Perry immediately began hating himself for being alone. Looking around, Perry saw that this was the time that the agents socialized, the only place where Monogram's rules were lifted. He could hear Pinky and another dog, a German Sheppard, whose name was Sheppard, talking about their respective owners as if they had always done so.

"Isabella's family is talking about moving to Atlanta" Pinky began

"That's a big change" Sheppard replied, "Think they'll do it?"

Pinky laughed in disbelief, "Not a chance. Dan and Marsh wouldn't allow it. She's a main character, besides you have all those Phinabella people out there."

Sheppard nodded in agreement, "Ridiculous, all of it."

Pinky laughed, he too finding the notion a complete waste of time. "So how's it going with you?" Pinky asked curiously.

Sheppard shrugged indifferently, "As good as it can be Shakes. Mary and I are thinking about having some kids of our own. We've been trying, but you know what they say, you have to be in the mood for those sorts of things."

"That's great!" Pinky exclaimed excitedly, "Parenthood's a big commitment. You should go for it Shep, I bet you'd be real good at it."

Sheppard shook his head, "I'm not so sure" he said worriedly, "I just don't think with where I'm at right now, where she's at right now and where the host family's at right now, it would be good to add a litter or two."

Pinky huffed in disappointment, "You worry too much. Besides it's not like the hosts will care."

Sheppard rolled his eyes, for obviously Pinky did not know his host family to know if that information was accurate or not.

"They have kids too idiot" Sheppard explained, "It's already hard enough with two dogs in the family, they don't need what they don't ask for, even if it means sacrificing my happiness. First rule in the agency- The host family is the most important thing."

Pinky scratched his head in confusion, "I thought it was the job is the most important thing."

"You're reading the wrong book then" Sheppard declared as he walked away.

Pinky and Sheppard moved towards Perry's table, the platypus in turn looked down at his food, trying to stay out of their conversation. Inevitably, upon sitting down, both dogs turned to the platypus in greeting.

"What's up duck?" Pinky said jokingly at the same time intimating Bugs Bunny, "Anything new?"

Perry shrugged, there was nothing about his life that was worth talking about, or at least anything that he wanted to talk about. Perry was more of a listener than a talker to begin with, being a platypus, but that still didn't mean that he liked getting into personal matters, this was especially true at work.

"Come on Perry" Sheppard continued, "What's eating yah?"

Perry rolled his eyes and pulled out the OWCA Rules and Regulations, turning to page 378, Article 12 Section 2B which stated that agents are forbidden to speak about matters not involving the workplace at the workplace. The rule continues to restrict the agent's speaking in general to a grand total of one hour per day, as a result of this most of the building was quiet and loud at the same time, the various agents speaking in their native animal languages and refraining from using English as much as possible. Perry then turned to the next page, on the same subject, which talked about human society and how it would be difficult for humans to accept the concept of talking animals and the consequences of them finding that information out.

"You and your rules Perry" Pinky exclaimed, "When are you going to start living?"

Perry shook his head and said nothing. At that moment the bell rang ending the lunch session, upon which the agents stood, resumed formation and exited the room the same way they came only to sit down once again at their cubicles and resume their work for three more hours.

Sitting down at his desk, Perry looked around casually, his eyes scanning the various pictures that adorned the surface. Most of them were of Phineas and Ferb building their various inventions, one of them was of Candace, it was this picture that Perry stopped upon, carefully observing it in detail. The picture itself was simple; Candace was sitting in the chair in front of the window that looked out into the backyard, the sun's morning rays were piercing the large oak tree and casually hitting the top of Candace's head giving her a halo effect just as the picture was taken. Candace's face was tranquil, peaceful in nature; Perry could tell that she wasn't thinking about busting her brothers or Jeremy like she normally was. Instead Perry guessed that she was thinking about the future, for her eyes had a soul searching look to them, as if she were nitpicking at everything that she believed herself to be and upon finding those things, hating herself for it.

_"A reason to live"_ Perry thought to himself, _"A reason to die. Reasons to get up in the morning, to face the day and to have the strength to continue despite yourself, to lie constantly to protect yourself and the people you care about."_

Perry began his number crunching; he had just finished going over the agency funds and was now entering the personal information of his clients, most of them entry level agents.

_ "That is the sole searching journey"_ Perry continued,_ "The one I have taken every day since I came here and the one I will continue to take until the day I finally die."_

The platypus stopped for a moment, took a drink of a Mountain Dew he had picked up earlier and did himself, Pinky and the Sheppard a personal favor and entered in their information before continuing with the clients.

_ "For every day is a new battle, a new struggle. The real enemy you face is not the guy pointing a death machine at your house, but yourself, because you have to find reason enough to do something about it."_

Sheppard, who was two cubicles behind Pinky, threw a chew toy in Perrys' direction, hitting the platypus in the back causing him to turn around. Perry scratched his neck annoyingly, for it had been itching for quite some time and after doing so continued to work as if nothing had happened. Sheppard rolled his eyes and daringly stepped out of his cubicle, immediately triggering the alarm system Monogram had installed, causing a flying robot with a screen for a face with tiny machine gun underneath to appear.

"State your business Agent" the robot yelled as it reached him.

Sheppard lifted his paws innocently into the air, standing on his hind legs showing that he was being compliant.

"Will you guys relax?" Sheppard answered nonchalantly, "I'm just going to say hi to a friend of mine. You know converse, chat, mingle..."

The robot stared at Sheppard as if it had no idea what it was talking about. Sheppard laughed and slowly made his way forward to Perry's desk.

"Maybe you don't speak English" Sheppard continued, "Or are you just hard of hearing?"

Sheppard casually pulled down the machine and tapped on the screen obviously daring the robot to retaliate.

"Hello" Sheppard said putting extra emphasis on the vowels, "Anyone home? Paging Major Frankie Unibrow, calling collect!"

The sound of a bullet entering a chamber could clearly be heard, the sound resonating throughout the room sending a death knell to anyone who heard it. Perry and Pinky, both of whom were paying attention at this point, froze in fear, their blood turning to ice the moment it had passed their ears.

"Shep" Pinky began nervously, his shaking becoming increasingly violent, "Don't do anything stupid, just calmly and quietly return to your desk."

Sheppard laughed and shook his head, "I'll go back when the platypus joins the land of the living Shakes."

Sheppard calmly turned towards Perry, his eyes confident and gleaming with hope. Perry shook his head, begging for the dog to follow the rules and simply return to his space. Sheppard caught this and closed his eyes as he waited for death.

"Tell my family I love them Perry" Sheppard exclaimed, "You think you can do that? You think you can tell them that I died because of you, that I'll never get to hold them again because you decided to keep quiet?"

Pinky began crying, for the last thing that he wanted was to end the day before his three week vacation erasing memories, making funeral arrangements and going through the normal procedures after the death of agent. The process itself was bad enough, it made it even worse that it would be one of his closest friends and that was something that Pinky, if such an event happened, wouldn't be able to live with.

"Perry" Pinky pleaded, "Please...say something. Anything damn it, for Shep!"

Sheppard nodded in agreement as a steady flow of tears ran down his cheeks, the heat of the barrel against his chest was starting to singe, in seconds there would only be two options: Sheppard would back off and leap into Pinky's desk or he would be dead before he hit the ground.

"Ironic isn't it?" Sheppard exclaimed, choosing his last words carefully, "Perry the Platypus, the calm and headstrong take charge type of guy, is a weak and spineless fool who refuses to do the simplest of things to save his friend for the sake of a rule that ultimately means nothing."

Perry swallowed hard and wiped his eyes, "That's enough Shep" Perry said finally, his voice soft and sad, "Now please, back off."

Sheppard did nothing and braced himself. Perry stared at the floor, unable to look at anything expect the floor.

"You're a good friend" Perry declared, "A very good friend."

Sheppard nodded and turned towards the robot, he then let out a single solitary bark causing the robot to power down, for Pinky to hang his head in shame and for Perry to have a confused look on his face.

"What just happened?" the platypus asked as Sheppard returned his cubicle and the robot to its station.

"It was a setup genius" Pinky replied, "We were trying to get you to say more than two words today, looks like we got a new record to beat- 15."

Perry turned towards Sheppard; he couldn't help but feel guilty and a little ashamed of himself. The mere fact that Sheppard was seemingly willing to die over something as simple as hearing his voice was more than a reality check, it was an entirely different outlook on the OWCA.

"You couldn't do it" Sheppard said as he sat down, fighting back tears, "Not even for me? I never asked you to return any favors and yet when my life was in danger you stood there and did nothing. You were going to let me die. You were going to let me die and then you were to play it off as if it didn't happen."

Perry shook his head in denial, Pinky, in response, leapt across the room tackling Perry to the ground and standing the platypus up forcing him to look at Sheppard wither he wanted to or not.

"You look at him when he's talking to you!" Pinky screamed.

"You would erase my family's memory, have a nice funeral service and then continue number crunching like you've been doing for the past decade." Sheppard continued solemnly, still in shock and disbelief, "And during all that time not once would you think about me or my family and what you could have prevented by doing something so simple that anyone with a brain would do it without a second thought."

Pinky shoved Perry off, the dog then moved back to his cubicle and spat in the platypus' direction, disgusted that he was even in Perry's presence.

Perry sighed, taking in Sheppard's words and Pinky's actions. "At least it wasn't real" he said optimistically.

Sheppard huffed, understandably insulted by the remark, "As if it matters?" he replied.

"You thought it was real" Pinky added on, "You would have stood there, saying nothing as he died for you. How does that make you feel?"

Perry had no answer for this, which was their guess as to what his response would be.

"Exactly" Pinky continued, "You're a robot Perry. Just another part in this well oiled machine. I know I'm guilty of it, I do it too, but at least I have a mind of my own outside of this building. You might as well not even have a home."

Sheppard walked back to his cubicle "Think about that tonight before you go to sleep" he exclaimed, "You might find something about yourself."

The bell rang signifying the end of the day. The agents, once again in unison, gathered their things and made their way to the door heading to their respective homes.


	2. Chapter 2

Heinz Doofenshrimtz found himself in front of a yellow house with a manila folder in one hand, and a small bouquet of petunias in the other. He was dressed in a black tuxedo, his hair, which was normally matted and in some sort disarray, was neatly combed and obviously had some kind hair product that made it smell like peaches. Heinz carried himself with certain professionalism that was uncharacteristic of his demeanor, as if he had a new sense of purpose or meaning.

Gently rapping on the door, Heinz thought about the reasons why he was standing on the porch, while he thinking about this the door opened with Ferb standing at the other end. Heinz upon seeing Ferb, smiled as sincerely as he could, for he recognized him as "the quiet boy who could build anything" as described by Perry, the platypus being overly descriptive when it came to the boys.

"Hello young man" Heinz began, "Is your mother home?"

Ferb rolled his eyes annoyingly, "No she isn't" he answered, "She won't be for another hour, and she happens to be married. So please, go away."

Heinz stared confusingly at Ferb for a few seconds before finally putting the pieces together; when he did he only continued laughing.

"No, no" he said, "Nothing like that. This is for someone else. I was told to drop this off..."

Heinz handed the folder to Ferb, who stared at it for a moment and threw it on the porch.

"I'm sorry but I don't take junk mail, mysterious folders from people I don't know and especially when those people look like pharmacists. Now, for the last time, go away."

Heinz nodded and casually turned around; he stopped for a moment, thinking once again about the reason why he had been standing on the porch for a total of twenty minutes. He stared at his watch, it was 5:15, Heinz knew at this point Perry was already in his lair, he wouldn't officially appear for another fifteen minutes. He decided against his better judgment, to stall until that time.

"I've heard a lot about you" Heinz continued nonchalantly, "I hear you make some pretty amazing things."

Ferb raised his eyebrows suspiciously, for he hadn't taken on any new projects with Phineas being sick and Ferb deciding to be brotherly and tend to him. Isabella had come by earlier that day with Pinky to see if Phineas was feeling any better, Buford and Baljeet also dropped in to say hello. They all went their separate after two hours. That was all the activity that had happened in the house, the parents and Candace being out for the day.

"What kind of things?" Ferb asked, his voice becoming standoffish.

"Oh you know things" Heinz explained as he rolled his hand in a circular motion, the kind that people make when their thinking of something on the spot. "The rollercoaster, the platypus restaurant, the anti-gravity trampolines, the bio-dome, the supercomputer, the time machine and of course who could forget the time that you and your brother went across the world in a single day!"

Ferb nodded slowly, "Uh-huh" he replied, "And where did you get this information from?"

Heinz laughed as if Ferb should've known the answer. "Your platypus" Heinz continued with all the confidence in the world as that was a completely normal answer.

Ferb, who was only partially paying attention, was more concerned about why Heinz was standing on the porch than where he got the information of his inventions and various antics from. The logical conclusion, and the one that Ferb went with for the time being, was that news gets around quickly in small towns like Danville where nothing unusual, or seemingly unusual, happens on a regular basis.

"Why are you on my porch?" Ferb asked slightly whining at this point, wanting nothing more than to see Heinz walk away and never return.

Heinz once again found himself unable to answer the question, at least directly to Ferb. The reason why Heinz was on the porch was a two part answer- one, the manila folder, which contained personal information on Perry and two, the platypus himself, whom he hadn't seen in over three weeks and was starting to become increasingly concerned.

"Never you mind" Heinz replied coldly, "I have somewhere else I need to be anyway."

Just as Heinz was about to leave he heard a soft chattering sound coming from inside, a sound that could only be attributed to Perry, who had appeared earlier than usual from his hole in ground. Heinz, no longer caring for manners or societal rules, brushed past Ferb without a second thought and immediately took a sharp right to the kitchen. Heinz laughed to himself, for he also recognized the interior of the house, thanks to Perry who was overly descriptive of the house, the reason for this was a mystery even to Heinz.

_"He must be planning something"_ Heinz thought to himself, _"But what could it be? He's told me everything. The boys, the house, the girl, the parents...he even opened up about himself! Either he trusts me too much or something is about to happen, my gut feeling says it's the latter."_

Perry, in his civilian persona, walked into the kitchen completely ignoring Heinz despite the fact that he was fully aware of Heinz' presence. Heinz, who gave a subtle wink Perry's direction, tossed him the folder as quickly as he could underneath the table. Perry, in response, scurried towards it and upon reaching the folder took it in his bill and waited for the opportunity to take it back down to his lair. At this moment Ferb walked into the kitchen, phone in hand with the police on the line.

"Get out of my house" Ferb threatened, "You are breaking and entering."

Heinz lifted his hands innocently into the air, "Alright Ferb, you got me" he answered, "I'm leaving. But just know that you've made a very big mistake!"

Ferb laughed in disbelief, "What are you going to do? Write me up a prescription for experimental drugs?"

Heinz shook his head, "Why would I do that? I'm an evil scientist not a pharmacist. Besides how you even make that assumption if I'm not even in my lab coat!"

Ferb huffed; sirens could be heard down the street, quickly approaching the house. "All the more reason for me to have you arrested" Ferb declared, "Now, since it's a nice day and you don't look to be troublesome quiet yet I can let you off easy, call off these cops let's say, or I hit you with the books and see you spend a few nights in jail. What do you say?"

Heinz shrugged, for it appeared that he didn't have much of a choice and went with the first option. Ferb nodded in response as the cops marched in, guns drawn and body armor on when Perry made his move dashing to the backyard while Ferb's back was turned. Heinz gave a deep sigh, he found it sad that Perry had to live two lives when it was hard enough living with just one.

Ferb smoothed things over with the cops, giving the story that Heinz was an old friend and how it was only because Heinz was wearing a Halloween costume that Ferb didn't recognize him immediately and called the cops. Surprisingly, they not only believed it, but completely disregarded the fact that it was the middle of June and thus, no reason for anyone to wear a Halloween costume to begin with.

"To answer your question earlier" Ferb said, "I've seen you around before. You look a lot like a pharmacist. Good disguise if you're going for the evil scientist thing, people don't suspect it."

Heinz laughed sarcastically and shook his head, for Ferb reminded him of Perry. "And why is that?" Heinz asked curiously.

"Because Evil Scientist isn't exactly an aspiring career" Ferb replied, "That and the Evil requirement for Evil Scientists...doesn't really go over well with people in all honesty."

"Thanks for not selling me out" Heinz declared as the cops took their leave, "I guess I'll be going now."

Ferb slapped Heinz as hard as he could on the back to serve as a warning. "Don't ever come here again" Ferb warned, "I won't be nice next time around."

Heinz nodded in understanding and made his way towards the door, straightening his hair and fixing his bowtie, which was red, as he went.

"What's the tuxedo for anyway?" Ferb asked curiously, "It's the middle of June."

Heinz nodded, "My ex-wife" he answered, "I'm going to try and make it work again."

Ferb then let out an uncontrollable and extremely rude laugh, for he did not buy that someone like Heinz was ever married. In Ferb's mind, the only person who would marry someone like Heinz would be if that someone looked like a troll and lived under a bridge. Charlene, Heinz's ex, was anything but.

Heinz, who got this response often, was unfazed by Ferb's laughter and simply walked out the door, closing it behind him. When he hit the sidewalk he had forgotten where Charlene lived. Heinz looked around desperately to try to find an answer, he began going through his head the people he could turn to. Norm, his robot butler and assistant, was one option but he was unreliable and extremely clumsy and for the current situation was a bad choice. Perry was out for obvious reasons despite having the most credentials on his list and his daughter Vanessa was also out, for he wanted to keep this expedition as secretive as possible. This left only Carl and/or Major Monogram, both of whom would undoubtedly refuse Heinz' offer no matter how much he begged, pleaded or cried.

"As much as I hate to say it, there's only one person left" Heinz said to himself, "Roger..."

Heinz remained frozen on the sidewalk for several seconds, thinking about what he was going to say and do when he got to Roger. More importantly Heinz also thought about what Roger would say and do when he made his request.

"In the end friends and family are all you have left" Heinz continued, "Since my friends can't be there for me, maybe my family will come through. One can only hope."

Heinz turned left down the opposite way, his heart heavy and full of doubt and uncertainty at what he was about to do. A million and one questions were being asked in his head and Heinz, like so many before him, only had so many answers.


	3. Chapter 3

After being shoved through security, rather violently, insulted verbally by a group of 12 year olds and beaten up by an old lady, Heinz was beginning to think that going to Roger was a bad idea. Standing at the Mayor's door, Heinz felt, for the first time in his life, intimidated by his brother. It was never fear, never insecurity, just jealousy, that drove Heinz to label himself as Evil Scientist. In truth, Heinz did have a doctorate, from an accredited university, Yale.

_"To think that one such as me would dare stoop to such low standards of living"_ Heinz thought to himself, _"I have created machines that defy the very laws of physics and the best thing that I can use it for is overcomplicated and poorly planned revenge schemes on The Honorable Mayor Roger Doofenshrimtz. I suppose if I wanted to, I could turn myself around. I bet I can even win the Prize!"_

Heinz looked up at the top of the door, on it was a plaque. It was one of those standard inspirational plaques that are often found in churches, courthouses, universities and some doctor offices, with the kind of phrases that while conveying some great epiphany about life or other mystery, rarely achieve the desired effect. Often times, such plaques are seen as pompous and frankly annoying, depending on the quote, even more so when it is a motto or common phrase, which can be attributed to egotism and over self promotion. However, this is not for every plaque, for all plaques are viewed differently by different people and have various effects. It is however, the view that Heinz Doofenshrimtz had when looking at this particular one above the Mayor's door.

_"Open this door with clear conscious, an open hand and a friendly smile. May all those who enter here acknowledge the fact that they are in a scared holy place, one that is free of prejudice of all kinds and that both lord and servant, Mayor and Citizen, stand on common ground."_

Heinz slowly and quietly knocked on the door, causing it to open slightly upon contact. Peering in, ignoring the depth of the room, which was considerable, his eyes heading straight for the desk, made of cedar, Heinz was appalled to find Roger sitting at his desk and doing what he was supposed to, run the city. Roger, in Heinz's mind, was the extreme definition of The People's Man. Rarely in the office, and thus rarely doing his job, leaving most of the work to his secretaries, Roger was always among the masses. It was getting to the point where Heinz described it as an addiction, one that was so deadly that it was all consuming. Every week there was some kind of event, usually a gala type event and every week Roger would dress up to the nines and go mingle with people he knew nothing about. It was almost sickening, Heinz thought, that the Mayor wouldn't even bother to learn a single person's name. It was understandable, for Roger was the Mayor and thus couldn't be expected to remember everyone; it was more so the fact that Roger didn't even try.

"Hello Roger" Heinz said as he sat down in the nearest chair, Roger not bothering to look up from his work, as if Heinz didn't even exist at all.

"Please go away" Roger exclaimed annoyingly, "I'm rather busy as I'm sure you can see and can't be bothered with the trivial problems of civilians."

Heinz slammed his hand on the desk, demanding Roger's attention. Without so much as giving him a second to respond, Heinz leaned in, yanked Roger's work from his hands and was disgusted to find that it was Sunday's newest crossword puzzle.

"You talk about equality" Heinz berated, "You talk about civic duty and you talk about brotherhood as if those things matter to you. Whoever your writers are pretty damn good at convincing people that you're God because personally no one is that perfect! And this-"

Heinz shook the crossword puzzle in Roger's face, the Mayor still didn't bother looking in Heinz's direction, too much of his attention on figuring out where his crossword puzzle had gone.

"This is proof!" Heinz continued, "You're sitting here on your ass while a city is going on about its business as if it isn't about to go bankrupt. Have you even looked at your budget? The one that you said you would follow? I bet you haven't because so far, in one month alone, you've spent 1.5 million dollars on parades, parties and Roger Doofenshrimtz Day, a day that should be banned because that is 1.5 million dollars that could have gone to Danville's public school system, the OWCA and the city parks, all of which you said you would fix."

Roger, at this point, was tired of listening and simply wanted to be left to his mundane task. It was at this moment that Roger stood up and saw his brother, who upon seeing him ran the extremely short distance between them and embraced him.

"Heinz" Roger said happily as he broke away, "It's so good to see you! Sorry I didn't get any of your calls, things have been hectic lately. What with the fundraisers and charity events, I barely have time for work anymore. And then there's Mother and Father, dying and everything."

Heinz shook his head; he didn't consider Roger's Mother and Father to be his parents. To call them such would be an insult to himself, for they treated him more like an object, a useless object, instead of the person that he was. Heinz's real parents were actually a pair of ocelots, Jean-Baptiste and Josephine, whom he met during his escape from Droolestein to South America which is a story for another time.

"I'm sorry about that Roger" Heinz replied indifferently as he calmed down, "I know that you were very close to them."

Roger raised his eyebrows curiously, confused by Heinz's denial, "What are you getting at?" Roger asked, "They were your parents too."

Heinz shrugged, showing even more indifference than before, "While you were busy living the good life in Droolestein, meeting women and getting the big promotions, I was in Brazil for three whole years. Didn't you notice the missing lawn gnome?"

Roger laughed humbly at this, for he had often wondered what happened to the aforementioned lawn gnome, who happened to be Heinz Doofenshrimtz.

"That was you!" Roger said trying not to laugh, "Oh you'll never know how many nights I spent wishing for the magic lawn gnome to return. I would sing every night, hoping that he would appear so that I would have someone else to talk to besides the Moon."

Heinz huffed, slightly offended by the statement. "You could've talked to me" he pointed out, "I'm your brother Roger."

Roger shrugged, "You were a quiet boy Heinz, what was there to talk about? School, please, why child wants to talk about their education? No, you would much rather sit at home and read than actually get out and socialize."

Heinz resisted the urge to slap Roger in the face and decided to cut to the chase. Before he could bring it up however, Roger gave him an unexpected opening.

"You're looking rather spiffy today" Roger commented, "What's the occasion? You finally caught that platypus you've told me so much about?"

Heinz shook his head, letting out a small laugh, "We're not exactly enemies" he admitted, "Just friends who constantly disagree on a subject. Like politics, or religion, or who could be control of the Tri State Area."

Roger nodded in understanding, "I see" he said, more so for the sake of himself, "So what's the getup for then?"

Heinz smiled gingerly, "Charlene" he answered, "I'm going to try and make it work again Roger. It's just a date, no big deal."

Roger sighed and hung his head, "You're still up on this Charlene woman? I told you Heinz she doesn't give a damn about you. You can do better than her; you should do better than her."

Heinz sighed in turn, for he had a feeling that Roger wouldn't understand. In his head, Heinz knew that Charlene didn't care about him, at least not like she used to. Still, he liked to believe that something was there, that deep down in Charlene's heart there was a place for him. It didn't matter if the place was somewhere different, if it was smaller than it was before; all that mattered to Heinz was that Charlene cared.

"If you've ever loved someone" Heinz answered softly, "You would know that the heart wants what the heart wants. If you've ever lost someone, you would understand that the heart needs to be broken before it truly appreciates what it lost, loving it even more when it is mended again."

Roger rolled his eyes, absolutely hating the fact that Heinz was going through with his plan, still he figured the least he could do was give directions.

"Charlene lives on the north side of town. 7645 Doofenshrimtz Drive, and before you get any ideas about her caring for you because she lives on a street that bares your name, I'm telling that it was the only property that suited her."

Heinz wrote down the information on the napkin inside his jacket pocket and headed towards the door. Just as he was about to leave, Roger stopped him.

"Heinz" he said, "Please...Don't get your hopes up. I've heard that she's looking for someone else."

Heinz nodded, "Then they'll just have to deal with me" he replied.

Roger laughed at the idea, for Heinz wasn't physically fit by any means, "They'll pulverize you Heinz!" he exclaimed, "You're better off just forgetting about her. Move on!"

Heinz simply ignored him and made his way out the door heading towards Charlene's house. Roger meanwhile, returned to his crossword puzzle continuing to do nothing, being of no benefit to anyone but himself, which was a stretch to begin with.


	4. Chapter 4

The Danville Zoo, which rested in the middle of the large park in the center of the city, was everything that a normal zoo was supposed to be. There were animals, overpriced concessions, questionable bathrooms and the occasional picnic table. The only difference between the Danville Zoo and other zoos like it was that it was operated almost exclusively by the OWCA. Every single employee, all of whom were humans, were agents of the organization, disguised as zookeepers, animal specialists and tour guides. Their main functions, when not operating as a zoo for the public, were training recruits and providing adequate environments for mating of the various species.

One of the zoo's inhabitants, Jean-Baptiste, an ocelot, was impatiently pacing on a large rock that rested in the middle of his enclosure, which consisted of makeshift jungle foliage, a small watering hole and a small cave, which was located in the back half of the area.

"What is taking them so long?" Baptiste thought to himself, "They should already be done by now! What could be wrong?"

Baptiste shook his head, trying not to think of something else other than Josephine, who was currently with the zookeepers going through the extensive and agonizing process of labor. Looking out at the visitors, the ocelot's eyes fell upon Pinky the Chihuahua, with him was Isabella, Buford and Baljeet.

"Shakes!" Baptiste yelled, calling Pinky by his pet name, "Shakes!"

Pinky casually looked Baptiste's way, at the first opportunity, when Isabella and the others were distracted by the elephant exhibit, Pinky made his way over to the enclosure, moving as fast as his legs would allow.

"Que paso?" Pinky asked, reverting to his native Spanish.

Baptiste, who was Portuguese originally, had some difficult understanding the dog at the moment, too concerned with his wife to switch from English.

"Ingles por vor!" Baptiste continued his tone of voice remaining unchanged, "Muy importante!"

Pinky nodded and motioned for him to continue, at the same time looking over his shoulder to check for Isabella, who had moved on to the hippo exhibit. Buford meanwhile was busy throwing Baljeet into the elephant enclosure. The elephants, for no particular reason other than to have some fun, decided to chase Baljeet, who immediately began running for his life in a never ending circle, screaming the entire time. Pinky and Baptiste however, paid this no mind and continued as if nothing was happening.

"Something wrong" Jean-Baptiste said worriedly, "They should be done by now. They've been in there ever since last night and they refuse to let me see her."

Pinky nodded, for he had heard about Josephine's delivery, "Jean listen to me" he began sternly, "I need you to calm down okay? Everything's going to be fine."

Jean-Baptiste swallowed hard, Pinky's words were of no comfort, for it still didn't change the fact that he knew nothing of Josephine's condition, his attempts at communicating with the zookeepers being unsuccessful.

"What am I going to do?" Baptiste continued, "The suspense is killing me Senor, I don't know how much more I can take!"

Pinky rolled his eyes, for Baptiste was slowing becoming hysterical.

"Get a hold of yourself man!" Pinky screamed "You're about to be a father. So it's time to strap down, suck in that gut of yours and stand tall."

Pinky then began speaking as if he were J. B. Smoove, every other word unnecessarily over exaggerated in an attempt for emphasis.

"It's time for you to be a leader, a man so to speak. To be the alpha male that you were born to be! Now I have one question for you-are you a man or a mouse?"

"Neither" Baptiste replied knowingly, "I'm an ocelot."

Pinky rolled his eyes, forgetting that Baptiste was terrible when it came to expressions. He immediately tried a different approach, deciding to use his idol as an example.

"You what Perry would do?" Pinky began once more, "If he were here he wouldn't sit around and wait. I bet you Perry would march in that cave and see Josephine. Who cares what the zookeepers say?"

Baptiste shook his head reluctantly, "You have no idea how this place works do you? Absolutely everything is regulated by your stupid organization. I'm completely powerless here!"

Pinky rolled his eyes and sighed. Putting his paws in his mouth and letting out a whistle, Pinky summoned Isabella, Buford and a slightly wounded Baljeet, all of whom came from their respective areas.

"What's the situation Pinky?" Isabella asked eagerly

Baptiste gave a glaring look Pinky's direction, "You told them?" he whispered. Pinky gave a slight nod in response.

"Isabella my dear" Pinky began, this time being much more formal, "I have a special task for you..."

**Five Minutes Later**

Isabella ran towards the nearest zookeeper she could find, finding herself in the flamingo habitat, a few pens to the right of the ocelots.

"Help" she cried, "Something's wrong with one of the ocelots, I think it's dying!"

Without even so much as questioning her, the zookeeper ran into the ocelot enclosure, to find a very convincing Jean-Baptiste covered in what appeared to be blood, clutching his chest with his right paw and breathing sporadically.

"Holy Mother of God" the zookeeper exclaimed as she knelt down next to Baptiste, checking his pulse and vitals, "We've got a code red. Male ocelot needs immediate medical attention, double time!"

Within seconds a medical team was brought in, stretcher and defibrillator included. After assessing the situation, the team carried Baptiste into the cave, setting him down right next to Josephine. Two of the doctors, Buford and Baljeet in disguise, stayed behind, telling the others to go about their other business. As the team took their leave, Baptiste rolled carefully on his side, making sure to keep up the rouse and faced his wife.

"Just hang in there" Baptiste said encouragingly, "It'll all be over soon."

Josephine, who was smiling from ear to ear at seeing Baptiste, nodded in compliance and began contracting.

"I just wish Heinz were here to see this" Josephine declared, rather sadly, "He was such a good boy."

Baptiste nodded, remembering his time with Heinz, not regretting a single moment of it. "It was better this way" he replied, "Heinz needs to be with his own kind. He can't be bothered with us."

Josephine huffed annoyingly, "Still" she continued, "The least he could do is stop by every once in a while. We haven't seen him in years Jean, what if he's changed?"

Baptiste shook his head, refusing to think about the possibility, "All we can do is hope that we raised him right. As a parent it should be enough to see your child succeed, in whatever he does, no matter what. Does it hurt that he never comes around? Of course it does. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love us any less."

Josephine was in too much pain to continue; Baptiste gave a grateful sigh and turned towards Buford and Baljeet.

"Thank you boys for doing this" the ocelot exclaimed, "You risked a lot today, I will find a way to repay you for what you've given me."

"It wasn't just us sir" Baljeet corrected, "Isabella risked a lot too, even more so. And let's not forget the dog."

Baptiste nodded and gave a subtle smile, "I shall repay them as well. My honor as an ocelot demands it...Now tell me friends, how did you come to know of the OWCA and what it really is?"

Baljeet slowly backed away, refusing to answer, Buford remained silent.

"I see" the ocelot continued, "You will not say. No doubt Pinky made you all swear an oath of secrecy, to never tell a living soul about what he really is, about what Perry really is."

Baljeet nodded in agreement, "We swore it with our lives" he answered, "It is a secret we take to our graves."

Baptiste shook his head in denial. "Don't" he exclaimed, "You must let the truth be known. We cannot continue to exist in these conditions. We are not experiments; we are animals and deserve to be treated as such."

Buford rolled his eyes," Take it up with PETA" Buford declared, "Leave us out of your problems."

Baptiste huffed, "PETA is nothing but a bunch of crazy extremists. The consensus, at least among animal circles, is that they believe that we have the same rights that humans do. We're animals and even we know that idea is just as ridiculous as Scientology is an accepted religion. Besides, the OWCA, the wonderful and glorious organization that runs this facility, is strongly against their beliefs."

"How ironic can you get?" Buford asked rhetorically

"It doesn't get much more ironic than that" Baptiste replied, "Now you best get going before those idiots back there wise up and send in security."

Buford and Baljeet nodded and headed out without another word, Baptiste meanwhile, laid his head gently next to Josephine's, seeking comfort and affection where he knew none would be given until after the ordeal was over.


	5. Chapter 5

For the first time in his life Perry was beside himself. Sitting the file on his desk in the cold and dark room that was his lair, the platypus opened the top drawer of his desk with his key and pulled out a tape recorder. It was old technology he knew but it was better than Monogram finding out about and destroying it, as far as the Major was concerned tape recorders no longer existed.

"Why'd you do it?" Perry asked, looking up at the ceiling, "You just had to do it didn't you? You were always looking for the truth Kay. That's what I loved about you; you didn't take shit from anybody, especially Monogram."

Perry sat the tape recorder down on the desk and pulled out a photograph of Kay, a platypus like himself and his former partner, both personally and professionally. Kay was the type of person who put people she met ahead of the job; a close associate of Pinky and Shep, Kay had become the de facto leader of the small group that she and the guys had formed.

"You took care of us" Perry continued, "We respected you for that. We saw you like a mentor even though you were suffering right along with us. I used to tell you that it you would be better suited as a teacher, a social worker perhaps. You even agreed...so why the hell did you stay? Was it for our sakes, for mine? I guess I'll never know."

Pressing play Perry heard the voice of a beautiful ghost. It was the last thing that he heard before Kay set out on the mission that killed her five years ago. He remembered specifically that Kay gave a very important answer to a life changing question.

"It'd be a shame to walk the world alone. What do you say we face it together? Back to back, side to side, hand in hand...just like we said we would."

To the outsider it was the strangest yes to marriage that was probably ever heard, but it was the way they did things. They were not as direct with their feeling as most, the agency having taught them that direct approaches are easily identifiable by enemies and as a result make them targets.

Perry heard the sound of his monitor turning on, he knew that Monogram was on the screen but he didn't really care at this point, the only thing that Perry was concerned about was Kay. Monogram, seeing this, awkwardly looked about the room in the most uncomfortable way possible. It was then that the Major, for the first time, saw Perry break down and cry his eyes out.

"There was nothing that you could've done Agent P" Monogram said, trying his best to be comforting, "She knew the risks, same as you."

Perry shook his head, for he knew that Monogram would never understand, he didn't understand then and he didn't understand now, to him it was another part of the job.

"I loved her sir" Perry exclaimed as he wiped away his tears, "We were going to start a life together sir, get away from this place."

The tape stopped. Perry immediately threw the recorder in the drawer and locked it; as if doing so would make Monogram forget about its existence. Little did he know that Monogram couldn't care less, in fact in a strange way he actually approved of the relationship, granted he had his reasons, selective breeding to create soldiers, but they were reasons all the same.

"We can't keep living like this sir" Perry continued, "What's the point of living if all we're doing is going through the motions? To never take any chances. You treat us like machines, sir. I understand that you have to run the agency and that comes with a heavy responsibility of protecting people, but understand that we are very much social creatures."

Before Perry could say anything else Monogram shut off the monitor leaving Perry once again to himself and his thoughts. Just as Perry was about to go over the file again, a large Heinz Doofenshrimtz replaced Monogram on the monitor.

"Perry the Platypus" Heinz began excitedly, "Guess what!"

Perry shrugged, he had an idea on what Heinz was going to say, given his attitude, but for Heinz's sake he answered the question that wasn't really a question.

"What is it Heinz?" Perry said unenthusiastically, "Did Charlene get back with you?"

Doofenshrimtz nodded, "She's giving me another chance...well sort of...I have to prove myself that I'm worthy...but other than that I'm basically in."

Perry huffed, at the moment too lost in himself and concerned with his own problems to be happy for Heinz, even though technically he was in the same position he was when he knocked on Charlene's door.

"I can't stop thinking about her Heinz" Perry continued, unintentionally switching the conversation back on himself, "About what we could've had, what we did have...Maybe I'm simply not meant to be happy, maybe it's not for me."

Doofenshrimtz refused to believe it and even if he did, for a moment, he was fully prepared to stop believing it, for everyone, no matter who they are, is meant for happiness. Doofenshrimtz saw happiness as something that is essential to human life. Perry of course would argue that he is not human and thus, happiness is not essential to him, for he is a platypus. Heinz however, considered Perry to be human-like, worthy at the very least, equal treatment, especially when it came to happiness.

"We are not meant to carry the weight of the world forever" Doofenshrimtz replied, "I don't know why you confide in me Perry the Platypus. I mean after all technically speaking we're sworn enemies. Whatever your reasons are, whatever you plan to do, I support you 150%. You are never alone, even in an empty room."

Perry gave a knowing smile and a nod, his thoughts immediately turned to Phineas and Ferb, who at the moment were wondering where their platypus was, for normally Perry was done with business for the day.

"Have you met the boys yet Heinz?" Perry asked curiously, forcing himself to think about the subject lest a relapse occur.

"Ferb I've met" Doofenshrimtz answered, "He didn't take too kindly to me. Even called the police!"

Perry laughed, for that sounded like Ferb. Perry wondered if perhaps it was Phineas he met first, if the outcome would have been different.

"Phineas should be over his sickness in a few days" Perry noted, "You should come by. Bring Norm along, it'll be good fun."

Doofenshrimtz raised his eyes curiously, for he had no idea what Perry was talking about. It didn't long for him to piece things together.

"You realize that if you go through with this Monogram will be on your ass?" Doofenshrimtz continued, "He's not to take it lightly. You blatantly walking out exposed like that."

Perry nodded, "Which is exactly the point" he declared, "To him we are nothing more than machines. We have to constantly be worked on or else risk malfunction. I've seen it Heinz. Mind control devices, subliminal messages, even a firing squad once. It's getting out of hand."

Doofenshrimtz thought about the situation for a bit, before he could reply the monitor switched back to Monogram. At seeing his superior, Perry gave a hard salute and waited for his orders.

A ping sound could be heard from the corner of the room. Perry knew this to be the mail tube. Walking over to it and removing the canister, Perry opened and pulled out a small blue pill. Another way for Monogram to keep tabs on the agents, the blue pill's function was reorganization. When taken the effects were subtle, in fact, it activated the very next day. The agent would completely all functions expect that he or she was the serve the OWCA without question and to conform.

_"Don't take the pill" _Perry thought to himself, _"Just walk away. Turn around, grab your shit and don't look back."_

Monogram patiently waited for Perry to make a decision. The platypus slowly grasped his hand around the pill and swallowed it. After a few moments, Monogram spoke.

"Agent P" Monogram began, his voice uncharacteristically soft, "I don't know how to tell you this but, it's your brother."

Perry shook his head annoyingly, for he was an only child.

"Not possible" Perry corrected, "Only child. Mom and Pop never bothered to have another one. Then again they were never given the chance."

Monogram knew immediately where Perry was going and decided to cut him before he could go on a tangent.

"Platyborg" Monogram explained, "It's about Platyborg. He's dead."

Perry said nothing. He didn't consider Platyborg to be his brother. Perry didn't have friends or family, just further extensions of himself, if he took you into his life, it became a piece of him.

"How?" Perry asked, bracing himself against his desk in disbelief, "How'd he die?"

Monogram smiled, it was the type of smile that one would give when thinking about something memorable.

"Heroically."

With that the monitor turned itself off. Perry didn't even bother calling Doofenshrimtz, for he would only be in the same position that he was when he started, in fact, it would worse. Turning towards the elevator to the surface Perry pulled out a lighter, took off his fedora and gently set it aflame before throwing it in the trashcan.

"Consider this my resignation" Perry said to no one in particular, "Again."

Perry reached the elevator and closed the door, steeling his mind for a confrontation. He had forgotten about it completely by the time he reached the surface, the pill having begun to take effect and do its first duty-protect the identity.


End file.
